


Slashing in Lex's Mansion

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-03-22
Updated: 2003-03-22
Packaged: 2017-11-01 06:50:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/353358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SkaterBoy visits Lex and Clark to figure out how to improve the slashverse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slashing in Lex's Mansion

## Slashing in Lex's Mansion

by SkaterBoy

[]()

* * *

I'm doing this for you, my wonderful fans. So please, feed me if you want anything to come of this. 

* * *

I watch Clark knock on the door of Lex's mansion. Lex starts to let Clark in when he looks up and sees me watching. He narrows his eyes. 

"What are you doing here, SkaterBoy?" 

I shrug. "I'm always here. You think I can come up with all those great story lines on my own? I watch every move you make." 

Clark shuffles his feet uncomfortably. Lex places on hand on his back and whispers something soothing to him before glaring at me accusatorily. "Now see what you've done? You know Clark is a very private person." 

"Right." I smirk. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Before I can answer, Lex grabs me by the wrist and pulls Clark and me into the mansion. He slams the door shut and secures four locks. Clark glances at me from under those sinfully long lashes... "Hey, stop it. I'm the only one who gets to think about him like that." 

Oops. I forgot they can read my mind. I should have known better. 

"We can't read you mind, asshole. We're _in_ your mind. We are your thoughts." 

"Hey! Don't talk to me like that. I created you. I gave you life." 

Lex raises an eyebrow. "Actually, Jerry Siegel created us. You also seem to be forgetting a load of comics, tv series, movies, and more tv series. You're not even the first person to slash us!" 

Slash us. That's cool. Turning a noun into a verb. I think I like that. Except that's not how Lex would talk. 

"Of course that's not how I would talk! I've been educated at some of the finest establishments in the world. You don't even know how to speak in Latin." 

"Maybe not, but I let you do things the WB won't, even if they hint at it with the way you keep smoldering at him. Television without Pity notices. Do you know they keep track of the Gayest Look of the Episode?" 

"Well duh." Again, not something that Lex would say, but I'm distracted by trying to think up ways I can make Clark be less shy. Wait a minute, where _is_ Clark? He was here a minute ago. "He went to the kitchen. The kid has an insatiable appetite." 

I could make that dirty but I decide to point out Lex's obvious mistake. "Not really. I mean, he's super-human, right? He could go for years without eating." 

Lex shakes his head and looks at me, pityingly. Hey! "How little you know about your own characters, SkaterBoy. Just because he can live without eating doesn't mean he wants to." He catches an apple that Clark must have thrown to him. After taking a big bite he looks at me again, but not as pityingly this time. "You can live without slash. But you read and write it anyway. Endlessly, I might add. Sometimes there's more to living than survival." 

Oh, I like that. Very deep. I'll have to remember that for one of my fics. I shake my head, remembering why I'm here. "I want to know what you guys think about how I write you." 

I'm suddenly in the pool room with Lex and Clark. Lex sets up his shot and I notice Clark checking out his ass. Hmm. 

"I suppose we're expected to kneel before the great SkaterBoy and tell you how much we love the way you treat us?" 

You can kneel before me anytime, Lex. Out loud, I say (not that it matters, because he can read my thoughts anyway, but I must give some appearance of professionalism), "Of course not, Lex. I really want to know what you think." 

Lex hits the ball with a crack and it hits three others, causing a chain reaction. The game is over in one shot. "Will you stop thinking about pool? I agree that it's a great game, strategically and physically and also serves as a great starting point for sex, from the countless possible innuendoes that can be made to the possible body contact that can result from innocent or other types of demonstration of proper playing, but really. It's getting kind of old." 

"I've only used it in one fic! Okay, two, but nothing happened in the first one." What is his problem? At least he's getting some. 

"I get plenty without you." Yeah. Women. "Hey, what's wrong with women? What am I supposed to do when Clark's not around?" Right, I forgot. Lex isn't big on fidelity. 

"You're _not_?" Clark speaks up for the first time all afternoon. He looks at Lex, wounded. Lex gives me another now-see-what-you've-done glare. 

"Thanks a lot, SkaterBoy." I just stand there, not sure what to say. I thought Clark knew about Lex's past. "Can you give us a minute?" 

I shrug, not bothering to mention that I'll know exactly what's going on anyway. I wander into the library and start looking at the titles. I wonder if Lex has actually read any of them. 

"Yes! Now stop bothering me!" 

I just can't get away from Lex, can I? This is starting to border on obsession. Of course, with someone like Lex, that's not surprising. He's an all-or-nothing kind of guy, and not just the way I write him. Maybe that's why I like him so much, because I'm the same way. 

I gather my thoughts and keep my mind as blank as possible as I stick my head out of the library's main door. It's the same door I came in, from the pool room, but now Lex and Clark are in the garden by a water fountain. That's funny, I don't remember a water fountain from last time. They're laughing now. Lex must have convinced Clark he's the only one for him and now they're laughing at... hey, they're laughing at how I write them! 

"And why am I always written evil? I would never have acted the way I did in _Thicker Than Water_." 

"Well, you _are_ sort of evil, Lex. At least, you're supposed to be. But you're not always written evil. What about the _Rejection_ series?" 

"That was an atrocity. I have never been in denial." 

"But that last one was nice, wasn't it? _Unbecoming A Luthor_. I liked that one. Although, I would really like another one from my point of view." 

"You had two from your point of view!" 

"Yeah, but I didn't get any in either of them." Wait a minute, Clark doesn't use expressions like _getting any_. That must be another one of my characters. "And besides, you rejected me. That's no fun." Clark frowns. 

Lex smiles gently and gathers Clark into a big hug. "I would never reject you, Clark. SkaterBoy just needed fodder to make the last one really good." 

"Really?" Clark seems to think about it for a minute, then shakes his head. "I still prefer something like _Proposal_ , when we're on the same wavelength." 

"Me too. And I think you're right about them being almost obsessively always about me, even when it's from your point of view." 

"Yeah, what's up with that?" Clark's smiling now. "What I want to know is why SkaterBoy always makes me a virgin." 

Lex shrugs. "You're innocent. Besides, everyone writes you as a virgin." 

"That's not true. There have been stories _about_ me not being a virgin." 

"True, but none of them were as good as the ones SkaterBoy wrote." 

Clark grins. "Yeah. The first time is always the best anyway." 

Lex raises an eyebrow. "First... always... you do realize what you just said is an oxymoron." 

"Not in the slashverse." 

Oh, slashverse. I like that one. 

"SkaterBoy, stop it!" Darn, he can hear my thoughts again. I sigh and step out into the garden. 

"I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. I try not to interfere, but these thoughts just keep popping into my head." 

"Popping," Clark says with a laugh. Lex and I exchange a glance as Clark doubles over laughing. 

"What's that about?" I ask, and Lex shrugs. Clark laughs himself out. 

"Not popping, hopping." He grins at us. 

"Hopping?" 

"Yeah, you know. Plot bunnies. Bunnies hop, they don't pop." At this point I'm ready to throw up my arms and walk away in exasperation, but Lex does that for me. Which leaves me alone with Clark. Who's still laughing hysterically. 

"You okay there?" I think I hear a doorbell in the background but I dismiss it as Clark says something about not being a virgin. I tell him I know. Clark shakes his head. 

"No. Not Lex." 

What? I don't believe him. He's about to say something else when Lex walks back into the garden with a big grin. Chloe and Lana walk in behind them. 

"Hey SkaterBoy," Chloe says, assessing me. "So we finally meet." She grins. 

"What's going on, Lex?" 

Lex grins. "The girls here were getting jealous. And I must agree with them, it's funny that the only pairing you write is me and Clark. They deserve some attention too." 

"That's not true, I've written other pairings." 

"Who, Clark and Spiderman in _Same Difference_? Please." Lex scoffs at me. 

"Don't scoff at me! I'm..." 

"My creator, my life-giver, what the fuck ever. So who else have you written? And crossovers don't count." 

So that's why he scoffed at Clark and Peter. Not sure why Lex doesn't like crossovers, but I don't bother to ask. I have a reputation to uphold. 

"So do I. Now spill it. Who else have you written?" 

"Um... no one on Smallville." Lex smirks. "Yet," I amend. 

"I'm waiting." 

"Okay, okay. Well, I've written lots of Lord of the Rings slash. Aragorn/Legolas, Legolas/Haldir, Boromir/Aragorn, Boromir/Legolas..." 

Lex looks confused. "I've only seen one Rings slash by you. You're lying." 

"No, you don't get it. I used to write as Orlando isLegolas before I became SkaterBoy." 

I know Lex likes Orlando Bloom too but I don't say anything. No reason to get Clark jealous again. Lex looks at me and I know he's thinking that jealousy is a great motivator. I just keep getting more and more great ideas from this little visit. 

"Okay, so you've written Rings slash. What else?" 

"Well, the only other one I've really written is CSI. Nick/Warrick, but I'm thinking about doing a Nick/Greg story." 

Lex sighs. "That doesn't count. You haven't published any CSI slash yet, it's just on your hard drive." 

"You didn't say that was a condition." I glance over at Chloe, who rolls her eyes. Lex grins. 

"Have you considered any other pairings?" 

"Not really. Like what?" 

Lex covers Clark's ears and says, "How about me and Chloe?" Chloe lights up. 

"Hey, this is a het-free zone." Chloe pouts, and I notice Lana shift and look away uncomfortably. Chloe glares at her and her eyes demand an explanation. 

"Well, Whitney and I... we're talking about getting together." 

"You what?!!" Chloe is really pissed off. Hey, this is starting to get interesting. "What about last night?" 

Last night? Chloe and Lana? Why didn't I know about this? 

"Maybe because you're so obsessed with Lex and Clark and Lex and, wait a minute, did I mention Lex? You don't care about anyone but him!" 

"I like Lex, Chloe, but you're overreacting. If you really want, maybe I could put together a fic with just you and Lana." 

Chloe crosses her arms across her chest. "Don't bother. You'll just figure out some way to get Lex in the story." 

"I really hoped you thought more of me than that, Chloe." 

"Really? I saw the fic you started. Yeah, don't deny it. You didn't publish it or finish it, but it was _there_. You had me blackmailing Lex and hitting on Lex. How is _that_ a het-free zone?" 

"Well, to be fair, you were dressed as a boy." 

"That's fair?" Chloe is getting more pissed off by the second but Lex is looking intrigued. 

"Hey, that could work. Do you know I - well, Michael Rosenbaum, who does a fabulous job of playing me on Smallville - has been in two movies where he dressed up as a girl?" 

I consider that for a moment. "No, I didn't know that. I did see you in Bringing Down the House, though. Your character - Michael's character - was very Lexy." 

"Lexesque." 

"Lexesque?" 

"Never mind. Look, I'd love to get together with Chloe, but she's right, no matter how we're dressed it will technically be het and that just won't do." 

"I don't know..." We all turn to look at Clark, who's trying to suppress a huge grin. Lex grins back and walks to stand behind Clark, putting his arms around Clark's waist. 

"What are you thinking, Clark?" 

Clark blushes. "Well, maybe, like, if I saw you and Chloe together, and watched, and had my own thoughts about, you know, you, and then I'd get jealous or something and you'd realize you didn't like Chloe but you though maybe you liked me..." Clark puts his hands over Lex's and stares at the ground. "Nah, maybe that's a stupid idea." 

Lex half-smiles and his eyes gleam in my direction as he starts kissing the back of Clark's neck. "I think that's a great idea, Clark. I don't know what Chloe thinks about it, but I'm sure SkaterBoy can pull a few strings and make it happen." Lex looks at me with a challenge in his dark eyes and I grin back. 

"I could probably figure _something_ out." Chloe's practically bouncing up and down at this point. 

"And then maybe me and Lana can get together?" 

"Lana and I," Lana corrects, taking Chloe's hand in hers. I take in the scene before me and smile. Looks like my slashverse is going to gain a few pairings. 

I start to leave, glancing over my shoulder first. Lana and Chloe are whispering happily to each other while Clark and Lex have started making out. 

I can't wait to get to my computer. 


End file.
